AbsurdMurmurs.com

Possible Side Effects by Augusten Burroughs

Kari — Sun, 06 Aug 2006 16:14:16 +0000

Side effect: apathy
Antidote: polite handshaking

no weird shit in the morning, please

Kari — Sun, 30 Jul 2006 03:42:38 +0000

I’ve been hearing these rumors that it’s suppose to be like 105 degrees all weekend. I planned to not really leave my apartment.This morning, I wake up and discover that not only do I not have much food (lime extract and green curry paste makes not a breakfast), i also don’t have coffee. Not even a bean to suckle. So I find some shoes, some keys, and go to a nearby coffeeshop that has coffee and decent veggie sandwiches. I walk in and there, in front of the windows, is some kid, maybe 8 or 10 years old, beating the gerthy end of an empty water cooler rapping about recycling. Someone off stage left is providing the backup beat with their hands. I turn and walk back the two feet to the door. What-tha…open mic at 10am on saturday morning?–come on, not cool.

East St. Paul

Kari — Wed, 12 Jul 2006 03:55:41 +0000

Bar Fight

Kari — Sun, 09 Jul 2006 19:04:45 +0000

Mrs. Allegory

Kari — Sat, 08 Jul 2006 04:04:47 +0000

Nouveau Intelligent

Kari — Wed, 08 Mar 2006 01:19:06 +0000

1a- a person who has recently become intelligent.

1b- a person who makes a vulgar display of their intelligence.

Hear What #2

Kari — Sat, 25 Feb 2006 15:06:08 +0000

We were gossiping about coworkers over dinner, coworkers who don’t leave helpful notes in databases. Milo says, “perhaps its another example of feng shui illiterate.” Yeah maybe, I not being familiar with feng shui applied to data entry. What he actually said was: functionally literate. Of course.

Dude, You smell like a Gas Guzzler

Kari — Sat, 25 Feb 2006 15:01:00 +0000

A couple days ago, we were doing our usual morning commute. We were stuck behind a slow-going Crown Victoria from the eighties. Milo says, “That car smells like it gets twelve miles to the gallon.” Me, I reply, “Don’t we all.” We then tried to figure out an appropriate context to let someone know that they smell like they get twelve miles to the gallon. Still thinking.

How To Sell A Swamp

Kari — Thu, 20 Oct 2005 16:23:02 +0000

For those interested in new construction, here’s some easy steps to transforming marginal solid ground into profits.
1. Call it a wetland.
2. Parcel the land into 1/2 acre lots. Create a prairie pathway, linking the backyards, from the soil that was dug out for the homesites.
3. Price the lots at $400,000 and market to people who like the idea of preserved land.
4. Tell people that the prescribed burning of the prairie pathway will get rid of invader plant species.
5. Avoid the topic of lawn chemicals causing a) overstimulated cat-tail production and b) prescribed burning equals toxic bonfire.
6. Do not mention Mosquitos.
7. Do mention the minor league baseball player on the cul-de-sac.
8. Granite counter-tops in every bathroom!
9. Three words: Estate style living.

A Supposedly Useful Thing: EFT

Kari — Fri, 22 Jul 2005 13:15:01 +0000

I’ve picked and bitten my fingernails since I can remember. It bothers me and its rather compulsive. So when I saw in the community ed pamphlet that EFT or emotional freedom technique, promises to fix my bad habit, I thought I’d give it a go, I mean what do I have to lose. From what I can determine, EFT came from some vague research about pressure points and affirmations. It will supposedly solve fears, post traumatic stress disorder, compulsions, sexual dysfunction, weight loss, etc. So, first you come up with an affirmation (ex: Eventhough I kick puppies, I totally and completely accept myself. You don’t even have to kick puppies to say this affirmation but you definitely won’t be tempted when you finish the EFT routine). The “even though” is a standard phrase to start affirmation. You rub three times near your heart saying the affirmation, then the tapping starts. You must tap seven times each at four different pressure points on your face saying the “affirmation reminder-phrase” (ex: kicking puppies). Then seven times at your collar bone and under your armpit while still saying the phrase. Then you tap at the nailbeds of your fingers, then you tap between your fourth and fifth finger and roll your eyes (indeed!), then you hum, then you tap…well, you get the picture, it’s elaborate. I tried it but I kept forgetting all the moves, then I would forget the affirmation or what I was supposedly trying to release. Although I don’t have obsessive-compulsive disorder proper, I was pretty sure I could feel it coming on with all this counting and tapping. Then I gave myself a bruise from tapping too hard. It seems like a terrific distraction from actually thinking about thus dealing with any unpleasant thoughts or behaviors. In the end, Milo saying “ouch!” whenever he notices me biting or picking my nails is more effective.